Sunday, October 14, 2012

10-14-12 A Brand New Road




10-14-12  A Brand New Road

Well I went round and round with myself for awhile now wondering if I should start writing my blog again and sharing the steps on my path. I didn't know if I had anything worth saying, any insights to share that could really help others. I mean for all my declarations that was the end of the road with Randy in June, and as much as I wish I could tell you that I never spoke to him again if I did that I would be lying. And I never lie, not much anyway, and even if I do it's to protect someone else. Not myself though, me I take my lumps, because I truly do want to learn and grow and you just can't learn and grow when you lie and hide from truth and reality. But anyway I digress....

Today I was hosting a singles event for my group, Single and Looking in NJ, the one that for some reason the last month or so I have been in a frenzy to grow and invite and breathe fresh life into. So anyway I had arranged to have a photo shoot in a local park with a professional photographer for the group and we were going to have a picnic while we waited our turns. As it turns out the first gal to arrive told me she was so glad to get to meet me because she felt like she knew me, that she had read all of my blog and it had helped her so much to not feel so alone in the struggle of single-hood that she's been going through. She said she really looks forward to hear the rest of my story. So I have decided that faults and foibles and all that I was going to begin again to tell my story, because honestly I do learn and grow as I share and if even one person feels a little less alone on their own path because of reading about mine then well I have done a good thing here, and after all that is my greatest accomplishments, and anyone's for that matter, is the good you do along the way for others.

So where to start? Well I guess those of you who have hung in there wonder what the heck happened with the whole Randy thing.....well like I said I wish I could tell you that I didn't talk to him at all but I did. I am proud to report I didn't break down and do "pokey" with him so that's a big step for me.....then again with my hormone changes (I did just turn 52) I wasn't much in need of a man anyway most of the time, just no drive....  There was a time or two while Jeremy was away that I needed help around the house and he stopped by after work, one of those times we went to eat together and I would have given in and gotten intimate that day but I asked if SHE was giving him any and he said yes so I scratched that idea. (later on based on stuff I found out I am pretty sure he was lying but it saved me the heartache that day) Then there was the time that he asked me to go see a movie with him, even said he'd take me to the dine in movie theater, the one that I been saying for two years I wish a man would take me to for a date. Course he didn't offer to pay he offered to go with me and I pay my own way but still, it was half the dream......in the end he ended up getting asked to go with the older kid and his girlfriend and not even telling me! The night we had penciled in to go I made a pot of spaghetti (because I knew he liked it) and texted him an hour after work, figuring by that time he would know if he could get away or not. His reply, oh I saw it last night with the kids. I was livid, we had been texting earlier that day while he was at work at Sears and I was getting a pedicure, he made no mention then.....his defense was that I'd get mad if he told me he went. Ugggg

I went a good long time before I spoke to him again, and it was a good thing. I relaxed, enjoyed my summer, had fun with friends, started building the singles group....life was good, I was happy, I could trust in the universe to bring me the right man at the right time..... Or so I thought...... I don't know if it was the cool night air, or the blankets by the fire, or the coffee and eggs in our PJs with no make up and rustled hair in the mornings but when I went on the camping trip to Cape May mid September, just two days after my 52nd Birthday I remembered with a vengeance what I really wanted. A Man to share my life with, extended family, camping trips together, and someone by my side to do it with. It didn't help either that more than 70 or 80% of the group were couples, either married a long time or recently dating but I looked at them, putting up tents together, cooking, doing dishes all the little things TOGETHER and it stirred an ache deep inside of me. Two aches to be exact, my heart and my well...you know.... I called Mary even and told her how sad and lonely I felt and maybe I should get Randy back, its up to you she said to me. I had a dream that last night there that I was back with him, living in a house together, and it looked so nice at first but then I looked up and the roof was full or holes, and the rain got in , and then I noticed cracks in the walls....are they trying to tell me something I wondered? But driving home all I could think about was getting close to someone, and of course that all was images of the last person...... Randy.... and I felt so much that I wanted his touch again.....

I got home and started the laundry and did some unpacking and turned on the computer. I had gone 4 days without computer! But my mind kept wandering.....it was Sunday, I knew he'd be at work and I knew he'd have some time after work. So I texted him. I said, and mind you this is after like 3 months of ignoring him after telling him off. I texted and I said: I think maybe I need some pokey. He replied in like 5 minutes.....oh you think so? LOL I stared at the screen and pictured him with his cocky been hanging with the guys look that I detested so much and decided to not make that mistake again. I said nothing.....course him not wanting to let that go he texted me after 20 min saying I get off at 5 I can be right over.....my reply was Na I changed my mind, I just got back from camping and was all horny but I decided I am going to take a nap instead BYE. Whew that was close I thought to myself.

Two days later he texted me, after he had gone to work mind you which of course annoyed me, always did. So when do you want me to come over and take care of ya? I changed my mind I replied to him. I was just lonely but I got to thinking about how sad I was after when you went home to HER and I decided i better look for someone new. He didn't like that one bit because he replied with a you know some day I am going to be gone and then you will really have something to be sad about. I was pretty shocked at that reaction but I just said no thanks. Course that wasn't the end of him, he sent me a Hi every few days, but I ignored it. Finally one Thursday he sent one in the daytime, when normally she's be around. It said Would you like me to come over tonight for some pokey? I wasn't feeling so angry and I was kinda glad he messaged me before work so I politely replied No thank you. Somewhere deep inside me I still knew that I kinda sorta had a shred of hope that she would leave and then he'd come around and start treating me right, paying for dates, being mature, being who I needed him to be 5 years ago.. so no I didn't react in anger, but I wasn't running to him either.

So all this contact with him had him in the forefront of my mind again, so I did what any other red blooded American woman who cares for a man who is dating someone else. I spied. And a darn good spy I am at that! I checked the older boys facebook page and I saw that he had graduated from the Navy boot camp training, that the family went to see the graduation (no Randy in any of the photos though) and there I saw it, it was HER. My first real good, not a quick glance and turn away in fear but a real good look. Not to sound vain but compared to her I am a 15, and trust me I am not at all vain. But there she was and her facebook page too. Again no pics of Randy with her either. I sent the pic to Mary to analyze and I said a prayer for this woman and wished her well. And thus I thought what a jerk Randy was to her and it fueled my distaste for his behavior. Finally I wrote to him and sent the picture of her and her boy and said wow you must be so proud. He replied with something snotty, I knew he'd be mad at me for finding her but I wanted him to know. I just replied that I was only trying to be nice.

A few days later on a Sunday evening while I was sitting outside waiting for Jeremy to get off work he texted me and said Hi. I was annoyed and said something mean about how ugly his "wife" is. She's just the roomate, duh he replied back. I was indignant for the both of us, her and me at that comment. I was sly though, I asked about the graduation, he went on about how he felt he had really accomplished something. I asked more stuff till I finally got him to admit to me that he hadn't even gone up there with them. I wondered if he had not been invited or too selfish to go but my last comment was that it was a big mistake for him to have missed such an important milestone. That shut him up for a few days..... I kept myself busy trying to find a new guy to date, I had a few of them and will tell you about those dating follies soon. God its so hard to be dating!  I hate it, its like having to wear high heels everyday when really you just want a cozy old pair of slippers....

I even got a reading one day from Miyuki, my voice had been nagging me for weeks to get one from her but I resisted. I had a few questions but with my will I find love one she had plenty to say about Randy, mostly that he wasn't living up to who he was supposed to be with me, that yes we are soul-mates and most of all she said that I can and should have love by now, that there is someone around me right now, possibly for years but subconsciously I haven't let go of Randy. Boy did that bother me, and I went on a quest to see what I needed to do to let go of that. It was heavy on my mind and wouldn't you know, despite the fact our schedules changed and we never passed each other anymore there he was miraculously passing right in front of me as I got to a red light. OMG so I texted him to say you just passed me........he said Hi, I replied with a wow I keep seeing you the past few weeks. He replied: maybe its divine intervention. I didn't get back to him right away so 10 min later he sent or maybe its because you moved here to spy on me. That started a huge and bitter text fight between us, see I knew he was mad because I had found HER  and called him out on his lie about the graduation. In the end I told him that if he ever contacted me again I was going to go right to her now that I have her page I can forward anything you say to me to her in an instant. He had to get one last snotty thing in saying that fine he'd leave me alone but now I would have no one. I tossed back that I was already dating (which I was but no second dates) to which he said something mean to.

In the end I sent him one last mail the next day, it really did bug me that he said I had moved down here to spy on him. Had I become one of those crazed stalker types? Did he really think that I was? I talked to Mary about it and she said no he doesn't think that, he's just upset that you are finding out all the real truth of what his life REALLY is, and she told me that by seeing her picture she can tell how sad she is, that she loves some one else and has had a hard life. So we both agreed to pray for her and I in the e-mail to Randy I told him I moved here for 3 reasons. 1- because I love it here, 2 because I know God wanted me to move here and 3- because I loved you so much. I hope that he caught the past tense of that word......and finally I was starting to feel the past tense of that love too.......

Finally I was ready to try a new road..............and no more U turns!

What about you? Are you ready for a brand new road too?



With Love and in the Light, Cassie