The Old Paths

It's been a good while since I felt like writing but I saw this and it sums up how I been feeling, it came in an e-mail from my Dad:

THE OLD PATHS

I liked the old paths, when
Moms were at home.
Dads were at work.
Brothers went into the army.
And sisters got married BEFORE having children!

Crime did not pay;
Hard work did;
And people knew the difference.

Moms could cook;
Dads would work;
Children would behave.

Husbands were loving;
Wives were supportive;
And children were polite.

Women wore the jewelry;
And Men wore the pants.

Women looked like ladies;
Men looked like gentlemen;
And children looked decent.

People loved the truth,
And hated a lie.

They came to church to get IN,
Not to get OUT!

Hymns sounded Godly;
Sermons sounded helpful;
Rejoicing sounded normal;
And crying sounded sincere.

Cursing was wicked;
Drugs were for illness.

The flag was honored;

America was beautiful;
And God was welcome!

We read the Bible in public;
Prayed in school;
And preached from house to house.

To be called an American was worth dying for;
To be called an American was worth living for;
To be called a traitor was a shame!

I still like the old paths the best!

3-1-13 Barriers to Love

 

“Dare to be imperfect and one day there will tug at your sleeve a soulmate.”
~Robert Brault

So the Saturday night after the last blog post I had an event, movie and dinner in my town for my meetup groups. One of the gals who came was one who had been at my Attract Your Soulmate Workshop, I recalled how she had come out of the guided meditation with Reiki with a very strong experience. Anyway she told me that ever since that workshop everything in her life was changing, she was so happy but she was so afraid to talk about it that she might "jinx it". I asked her what was changing and she said one thing was that her mother who has been so sick for so long with anemia recently had blood tests showing that her platelets are improving remarkably. Then she said he ex-husband called and he has not spoken to her in 7 years! She said for a very long time she has wanted to move to Florida but he won't allow her to take the kids out of state. She said that he has now agreed to allow if she cuts back on the child support he must pay and she is very excited and will gladly agree to that in order to move. Again she said she wants this so bad but is afraid to tell anyone else or say it out loud. I asked her why and she told me that she is afraid if she says it out loud that will make it NOT happen. So I spent some time explaining to her how it works and that you DO want to profess in a positive way that which you want to happen.

Later in the week I had another game night event. I had skipped one and hadn't been back since that fateful night that Randy's girlfriend showed up. I even felt a little apprehensive that night hoping she would not show up to show off her marriage license or her wedding photos or something. She is the type who would do something like that. Anyway my guy friend who spent a great deal of time also talking to her asked me what had become of that whole situation and when I told him that two days later she announced her engagement and 5 days later she changed her name on facebook to his last name he rolled his eyes at that and went on to tell me every thing he "picked up" from his conversation with her. He told me he butted in to "save me". He said what he thinks happened is that she was content with me to be with him all this time because I took care of something that she didn't want to, basically intimacy, and the reason she never came around before was because it all worked out before but now that I washed my hands of him and he KNEW that I had, she had to listen to him go on and she had to put up with his advances.He said she came to get me on her sidem that she was a huge liar and a huge manipulator and she came to get me back into that triangle that left me with the short end of the deal. I knew he was right despite the fact that I also knew I still loved him and it still hurt that he chose THAT over me. But anyway....

I did what I always do when faced with sadness and disappointment, I put myself to work to create and grow something good. When I was married I had the most amazing flower beds in town, when I was a little girl I had the most elaborate forts, in high school my art, in college my poetry...you get the idea. This time I am throwing myself into growing my Bodacious Babes group and my other Singles group too. I am going to help everyone find a way to love themselves just the way they are, right now fat, flaws, forlorn faces and all! And I am starting with ME! Yep it really is time for me to love the skin that I am in, extra padding and all! I can't keep running away and hiding from love and its ups and its downs by turning to cake and cookies and brownies like my Grandma fed me when my Mom wasn't so nice to me. And I recognize also that is why men seem to be so childish and immature, they are turning away from love and intimate relationships and investing their time instead in toys and sports and hanging out with the boys, not because they don't really want real intimacy with women but because this is more safe to them.

And I had one of my first challenges on working on my confidence just as soon as I put that intention out there....I had to go to a Fashion Show. Now mind you most people would love a fancy fashion show with swag bags, open bar, lovely buffet dinner and all the nicely dressed people. Me I just kinda sit there in my black pants and hide my low shoes under the table, hoping to not drop any sauce on my shirt (which I did) and marvel how women can walk in 6 inch heels! The night seemed to drag on too and I kept checking my phone for a time to make a respectable exit. My new friend though who threw the fashion show, (and it was for charity after all) was so happy up there I was glad I had come to support her. I did though not get into all the made up, sprayed up, dolled up people ..not until halfway through the show and the designer from NFinite Form came on, a designer for the plus sized woman! I was enthralled, I was excited, I knew I had just found something to help myself and the Bodacious Babes! Like I said before time and again I love the person I am the values I stand for the work that I do both personally and professionally but I have never loved the body I live in. Its time for me to learn to change that and its time for me to help all the others too.... My fat is a barrier to hide from love but it barricade me even from my own love! No more behaving like a hurt little girl and running to the cookies......

So what are the barriers you put up against love? What do you hide in? What do you regress to? These things are not bad in moderation but they keep you from great things..........what can you lay down today in order to reach out for a greater love? a greater comfort? a more mature connection? Don't be afraid of it, put down your childish things and reach for something grander.....

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

"We are here for one purpose and one purpose only: to forgive the world so completely that we absolutely fall in love with everyone and everything; anything less than that is incomplete forgiveness. What limits our love except some form of unforgiveness? Only by so completely removing every barrier to love will we come to know the fullness of the love we are." ~ Circle of Atonement Daily Lesson for 3.1.13.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways.    1 Corinthians 13:11

2-14-13 Daring to Love Again

2-14-13  Daring to Love Again

So  the Saturday after I left off my last blog, the day of the full moon I went out to buy my rose to do my spell work that night  to attract my man and for good measure i stopped in to the town psychic, I wanted to check in to see what was going on around me in case I need to clear anything. She seemed to know all about Randy's girlfriend coming to see me she said that he sent her to be my friend knew he lost me. She said some how he subconsciously he sent her because he thought we could all know one another and be friends. (I did tell him that in the past). I did find it odd how she suspected all those years and chose now to come find me. She also said that he wont change she will wise up and leave him but she is glad that this happened because it is going to break my tie with him and bring my new man. She told me do not be her friend as it would only keep me tied in and it would bring no good. I realized that she was right.

That night my friend and I went to the New Age shop in Red Bank for their full moon ceremony. She picked me up early so we could get dinner at the diner first. Sitting there talking I told her that I thought this spell she made me was going to work and I confessed that I was a little afraid and then I made a declaration that surprised me but even as I said it I felt right about it.I told her I do not just want to meet "The One" right away and fall in love and live happily ever after. I want to date, to get asked out, to be taken to dinner and treated well my different men and I want to take my time and get to know them and to make the best choice from various ones. I know it seems hard to believe but at the age of 52 I haven't done much dating, some, but not nearly enough. Most of my relationships just grew out of "hook ups" that just kept recurring. Truth is, Love still scares me. Sex now that is something I can embrace totally with total unabashed enthusiasm. Sex is fun, sex feels good, and sex doesn't hurt (unless you are into that sort of thing) LOL But sex can only satisfy for so long, only love can last only love can heal, only love really matters...

But anyway the full moon ceremony was very good and the messages that the leader got for me were quite strong ones, my friend was envious. I don't recall all he said but the one thing that stuck with me was that he said I was really re-claiming my power. I was glad I knew I needed it and that night when I got home and lit my candle for and finished the spell my friend had gotten for me I felt strong. So strong in fact that when Randy's girlfriend announced the following day on facebook that they were engaged I sent him a text to congratulate him. I got no reply, nor to the one I sent the following week when she changed her name to his, and he ignored the e-mail too when I sent him the link to her page. She took down the whole page the following day and my little voice was telling me that someone was lying but I ignored it. It didn't matter it wasn't my life it wasn't my concern and it was better for me if I thought he had married her. Still it bothered my that he didn't reply to me at all, he had always prided himself on his follow-ups....so I called Mary...

Mary then texted him to congratulate him, he ignored her too, then she waited a few days and texted again...still he ignored her. Later that week she and I were having dinner and we got into a long talk and she told me that she thinks that I am not ready yet to be with someone, she says she sees me having a change in a few more years like around the age of 57 and then I will be ready. She also said that Jeremy is going to be with me awhile and she sees him also being ready to go off on his own at that time when he is 27. It sat well with my spirit and I felt that she was right.. I still want to have dates and boyfriends though now, and you shall she told me you shall. Driving home from dinner I got a call from a guy who saw my personal ad and he wanted to meet, it gave me hope and made me feel better about the future....

So I have been keeping myself very busy running heal your heart workshops and attract your soul mate work shops for my group Single and Looking in NJ. I am very happy to be doing that work now. I meet people I do events, I pass out my SpiritStones to those whom I feel need one and sometimes people ask me for them too. I still don't seem to have anyone who wants to buy one but that's OK like I said I did make a tad bit here and there with my workshops. Oh and someone wrote to me and asked if they could sponsor my blog on their website, I said sure here is the message they sent to me:

Hi,
 New Wellness Living Personal Wellness and Green Living advocacy would like to sponsor your blog on our website. In the past year, we have gained over 100,000 participants- who use our free resources through YouTube and the New Wellness Living website.

New Wellness Living Channel ~ http://www.youtube.com/user/NewWellnessLiving

New Wellness Living Home ~ NewWellnessLiving.webs.com

If you are interested, your cause will be posted on our website at the "NWL Associations" page- including a banner with a clickable link. Also, we may be interested in opening an E-commerce store (in the near future) and offering online consignment.

Please contact me, if you are interested or have any questions, Farrah Grant

So hey maybe that is where I can someday sell my SpiritStones! I also made a new group called Bodacious Babes, tag line: because sexy isn't a size it's an attitude. I have long resisted any BBW sites because well to me that was giving in and I didnt want to give in to being fat. But you know what I am fat and I need to make peace with it before I can do anything else about it. I have big plans for this group and I want us to take pride in who we are and be loved the way we are. And I have been doing a lot of chat nights and a lot of encoruaging the people who are sad or angry or annoyed with Valentines's day happenings. I even scheduled and event and encouraged all to bring $1 store valentines to give out like we used to do back in school. I just want people to love love for the sake of love.

Yep all of this has kept me pretty darn busy and I have no time to be sad about my single hood, in fact I don't even have time for a partner right now. But I must confess, last night when I ran into the grocery store for milk and I saw all the flowers and the candy and the balloons and I knew I had no one to get any for me I started to tear up. I am sad that I am alone, and this year a little bit more than the last several because I don't even have Randy to sneak over and bring me a rose and a box of candy and some pokey like last year.... I won't deny that I mourn and I miss him, but I know I am better off to not have one who just kept breaking my heart the way he did. No now I can try and put the pieces back together right and see what I can do do with them and see if someone won't come along who will be more careful with the love I offer...

Today I want you to dare to Love in anyway that you can, dare to Love anyone that you can find to love. Dare to let it form in your heart and dare to send it out as far as it can reach. Do not fear it, do not measure it out in doses according to worthiness, and do not compare it. I will never regret loving Randy because after the heartache I suffered with my ex-husband it was courageous of me to have ever loved at all again, and knowing him has taught me that I really can love, for I have loved him and I am not going to let loss and pain shrink me I am going to let it expand me all the more...........

Dare to Love and see how far you can spread it too...............

With Love and in the Light,   Cassie 

Let us fall in love again
and scatter gold dust all over the world.
Let us become a new spring
and feel the breeze drift in heaven’s scent.
Let us dress the earth in green and like the sap of a young tree
let the grace from within us sustain us.
Let us carve gems out of our stony hearts
and let them light our path to Love.
The glance of Love is crystal clear
and we are blessed by its light.”
~Rumi

1/26/13 Praising the Hallway

1/26/13  Praising the Hallway

Well I haven't been keeping my promise of writing in here like I wanted to but I have been so busy living that I just don't have the time to write about it! And personally I consider that a good thing, at least for me now in this time and this place. I knew that 2013 was going to be a big year and so far its proven to be so. My meetups are growing, my healing ministry moving along at leaps and bounds, I am feeling happy and inspired and nothing gets me down much anymore because I have learned to TRUST my god and the universe to take care of me to bring me the things that I need when I need. It's great!

Over the holidays I grew my Singles Group very large because that is what my gut told me to do and now I do not have to work on inviting people they just come. I also got control of another group when the organizer quit that I helped out in a lot in the past and re-named it NJ Friendship Factory. I am so excited for this one too because I also wanted something for those who are not looking, and I know that someday soon I won't be looking myself I feel it more and more that it is coming....

On that topic I must tell you that I am still a little afraid I know this because when my friend offered to write me a "spell" to bring me a man and come over and help me set it up I just kept feeling like "this is it", this is going work and well it's scary. I been single now for 15 years, close to twice as long as I was married! A few boyfriends here and there but no new husband. But you know one morning I woke up and the way the pillows and comforter on the other side of the bed looked it looked like someone was there sleeping, and it seemed like someone was asking me how I felt about that. This happened 3 times as I drifted in and out of sleep and you know I said yes yes I like this! So she came over on a Tuesday and we laid the ground work for the spell that I was to complete on Saturday night with the full moon.  I was also knew I had done the right thing when I had given up seeing Randy for fun and gave myself a time of total alone-ness. The first sign was an article I came across that confirmed it,  I posted it on CC called My Tender Holy Celibacy and I realized that at last I had learned that lesson, to honor myself and to love myself and to wait for the right one. The other reason is that Elane, his current girlfriend showed up at one of my events!

Yep you heard it, my dreaded confrontation with the pretend wife came, not when I was with him but after I had washed my hands of him. I had posted a board games event here in town and as I do from time to time I put it also on Craigslist. As a last minute impulse my voice told me to also post my YouTube videos of board games we had in the past to entice the folks to come. These are wonderful bonding and mingling events if I can just get them to leave the happy hours and come try this...... But I digress... So here I am sitting there having a blast and in walks Elane, I recognized her right away as I had seen a pic of her with her son on facebook.I didn't know what else to do other than to greet her and treat her like anyone else so that's just what I did. I asked her name and when she told me I knew for sure, so she asked my name and then let me know she knew who I was and quickly added that she didn't come to make trouble. Well everyone was nice to her but she didn't stay too long and I got up to walk her out and she just started talking to me, we talked for 2 hrs I think. I gave her some advice on how to deal with Randy. She suspected he could possibly be cheating on her with a new woman, so one of my guy friends also talked to her and explained men to her and we gave her a big pep talk and sent her on her way! I told her she has to have sex with him if she wants himt to stay faithful so she said she would once a month. For good measure I also gave her a spirit stone and blessed it with good Reiki energy for a good relationship.

The following day I sent him an e-mail basically telling him that she came, that she had asked about us and our Vermont trips and I told her the truth and that he knows I do not lie. I told him that she told me he asked her to marry him and that its time he did so and I gave him encouragement. She wrote me on Facebook and told me she went home and gave into him and did pokey with him and then after told him about meeting me. The next day she announced their engagement! There's a part of me that thinks there's a lot of lies and deception going on here, there's a part of me that wants to believe its real too because I want him to be settled and happy just like I have countless other ex boyfriends. I confess there is also a sadness because I did have a tiny shred of hope still there that he'd finally do better and be better and come back to me and marry me. But I know that isn't going to happen and I know that I am better off without him too. I had a night of mourning and I even cried for what I lost but at the end of that crying I also recalled the times I had my chance with him and said no, the nights he offered to stay over even though she'd find out, the time he had the phone in his hand and said he'd tell her we were getting married..no he hadn't said no to me I had said no to him over and over because I couldn't settle for what he was offering to me, I wanted more. And I will get it too!

Today is Saturday, the day of the very powerful full moon. My friend and I had plans that she cancelled at the last minute and I am secretly glad because now I can go with the other friend to a full moon ceremony. And when I come home I can light my candles and say my prayers and do my spell work to bring me my new man the one who truly will be my best friend and lover and share my life joyfully. And I can be happy in the meantime and like the photo my cousins wife shared on facebook I can be happy while I wait and praise the hallway because that is the place not of dead ends, not of settling for what I can get, not for compromising beyond self recognition but of endless possibilities! And finally I have no fear of love becuase that truly is the thing that held me back and held my heart tied to Randy, fear of the unknown and love of the comfortable and known. I also no longer need to fear being alone either, its not a bad place to be after all, its much better than being with a person who makes you feel alone.

So go on and make your own dreams and plans today on this full moon energy that is so powerful and awesome. Tell the universe what you really want and desire and have the faith to believe it's coming and the freedom from fear when it shows up at your door and a whole new exeperice opens to you. And in the meantime..........praise the hallway!!!

With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

“My Heart Is Afraid that it will have to suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky."Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

1-1-13 Emerging

1-1-13  Emerging

So today is the first day of the brand new year and I am determined to get back on track with my writing. It really does help to remember the lessons I learn as I go when I record them and there are others too who have told me that what I write helps them too. As a matter of fact I sent out a last minute New Years Greeting to my groups last night before heading out and they loved it. It had to be divinely inspired because I didn't think too hard I just wrote. I will share it here for you because it really applies to any day, not just New Years:

I just wanted to take a moment to wish all of you a most blessed and joyous new year. I know that some of you have lost a lot this year, what with divorces, lost jobs, lost homes, some loss of friendships, lost possessions.  I have suffered all of these things at different points in my life and I tell you if there is anything I can promise you, that sometimes empty, broke and alone can turn out the be the best place you can be. It's true, because once things are taken away NEW things can be added, and I have found in my life once I let go of what isn't for my highest good that BETTER things come along.

So New Years is a very good time to take stock and see what is really good in your life, what brings you fulfillment and who brings you joy. KEEP those things and those people and hold them tight and show gratitude. It's also a time to look at what drains you, who isn't there for you, what causes you sadness and GET RID of those people and things. I promise you, I really promise you that you CAN walk alone for a little while and find real joy and strength in the time you take for yourself. Once you love yourself no one can ever take what really matters from you.

Happy New Year!   With Love and in the Light, Cassie   www.cassiescalendar.com



I got a lot of inspiration for that from the divorce chat nights, reading about all the pain they have and trying to come up with words of comfort in a time where little is going to bring comfort. I also lost a friend, or rather someone I thought was a friend on Christmas but I gained a whole big new group of people to help, it was a great trade for sure! I took my usual 10 days off from Christmas to New Years but since Jeremy was working nearly every day at Toys R US I decided to not make the trip to Ohio alone. Instead I told all my friends that I would have time to spend with them and I spent many days with one on one visits with several people, some who were a big surprise but some I think I just may end up working with this new year. There is much to be done, many need help and healing and encouragement and many want to help. There is still much cleaning up and re-building to do for Union Beach and other nearby towns too.

I have a feeling now, more than ever before that God is finally going to be bringing me my perfect mate. I finally finally got past the yearning for Randy to become the kind of man that I need and deserve, I haven't answered any of his texts since the hurricane incident and I don't drive over on his side of town anymore, not even on my way to and from work. The main reason for that is because the road is always flooded now down by the beach, but still it helps. One night I was coming home from work at the office thinking oh I hope I don't pass him and wouldn't you know it I never saw him but he saw me and texted. I ignored him. That showed me just how powerful my thoughts are these days! But I am at peace with this and I forgive the whole situation, I even saw a pic on Facebook of him on christmas with "his kids" and I was glad to see that this year they didn't leave him home alone. It's a good feeling to not have any hurt and anger left towards a person from your past.

So this year I just feel good things are coming! Emerging was the first  angel-card-of-the-day-2013 and I do believe it was a very fitting one at that! I am emerging from the pain the suffering the rough times....oh I have a lot to still get fixed but I am happy, that depression cloud just doesn't seem to hang over me any more, or that fear or that loneliness or that yearning. I only felt the need to make one resolution this year too, that is the diet and exercise one. I signed up for one of the online calorie counters and I stayed under my intake goal. This week I must get back to the gym..... Maybe its time I can finally free myself of this fat that I have been so attached to for protection and comfort....I don't need it anymore because no one can hurt me anymore. I do not need anyone's love or approval because I love myself just the way that I am and that is plenty!

How about you? Are you ready to emerge into the sunshine of a brand new day? a brand new era? This is the beginning of a very golden age.....step out from under that cloud, stop beating yourself up, just love love love! and find your sunshine!!

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

11-20-12 Storm Casualties

11-20-12  Storm Casualties

Well I was working on this blog for about a week, the topic was the rocky road of dating, when I got side tracked by a hurricane! Yup you heard it a hurricane, Sandy was her name. I had been cracking jokes for days before it hit because my Aunt of the same name had recently died, she was cremated and they were going to hold the memorial service later. Then they decided at the last minute to do it when I had 3 parties planned and little time to arrange to be off work. I could have gone to Ohio for the service and to be with my cousins who were the closest I ever had to brothers if I had tried hard enough but I did not and I joked that she was angry with me. She lived her life like a hurricane that's for sure, would be just like her to stir things up and give us a scare if she could. Ha! I wasn't really concerned though, we had a hurricane the year before and I had gone to stay with a friend and we didn't even loose power at my house so this one wasn't really scaring me despite the predictions. I did take the necessary precautions though, securing outdoor items, stocking up on batteries and candles and water and canned goods.

The days prior to the hurricane I got invited to an event in the lower part of Monmouth county by a group of fellow light-workers to join together at 2pm to send Reiki to the waters. The invite said that if you couldn't go there in person to join in remotely energetically. When light-workers join together they are that much more powerful, something like joining candle flames. Anyway each day before the storm I went to the waters here near my home in Keyport and Cliffwood Beach to pray, send Reiki and "seed" some of my spirit stones. At the bulkhead, near my favorite bar and grill I tossed a stone and it landed in the sand and not the water, several birds ran over thinking it was food and left it, then a larger than usual sea gull swooped down and flew off with it, I sent a mental message to the bird saying well perhaps you know where it's needed more... I wasn't lead to leave as many as the last year but I tossed them out as spirit lead, one through the bridge that leads from town to my area where the boats are docked, one over by the cement walkway, one in front of Randy's mom's house... I went to the water everyday at 2pm for three days before the storm, and on Monday while working from home I watched the changing of the predicted path of the storm, at first it was due to hit to the west of me and part of its path right over my home, but by Monday the path had dipped in far enough west that my town was no longer in the direct path! Most call me nuts but there is a knowing somewhere in my soul that the power I channeled from above did help. I sat home Monday working from home, taking calls from family in Ohio who were worried about me and talking to my social group encouraging them to be safe but not to fear. Then my power went out exactly at 2pm as the storm came our way. The hot water worked, and the stove so Jeremy and I made dinner by candlelight, played a game of Chinese checkers, and watched a DVD on the last of my lap top battery. I slept peacefully that night despite the outrageous storm outside.

Tuesday I woke up and cleaned and did dishes by hand and then decided I needed to go to the car to charge the battery in my phone. I decided to drive around a little as I was doing it. First thing I drove down near the water to see how far it had come in, when I got there I saw it had come much further than before and there was damage to some homes. This was the street Randy's Mom is on and I decided heck with our differences I need to know she was OK. As I walked near the house though to asses things I saw a neighbor and I asked about her. He said she was OK and that her son had been over just a bit ago. I said good and turned and left, there was no need to go see her once I knew this and I recalled how he doesn't want me to talk to her now due to the new "wife". I felt sad though as I thought to myself I bet she'd love my company now at a time like this, she always had liked me so much. But anyway I went and checked a lot of places and looked at damage and took photos then went home and one roommate had come home and told me of the boats in the street. So Jeremy and I went down to see that and took a lot of photos. I was amazed to see that the bridge and the walkway where I had left a stone were OK but the area where the seagull had taken a stone had suffered greatly, we lost a museum and my favorite the Bay Side Bar and Grill! Late in the day we tried to drive around and find a warm open place to have dinner, that was futile and the traffic was awful as the street lights were out and the roads blocked with trees or floods or cop cars and cones. We went home and cooked a simple meal on the stove and "went to bed with the chickens" so to speak like we used to say back on the farm in Ohio.

Wednesday I woke up  and heard the weather report on the radio and knew it was going to turn colder, and also the reports of how long it would take to restore power, days, weeks maybe. I also knew that though my office was closed for tue and wed it would open evenutally and if I was not at a place with power and internet I would have to go up to the office and with the gas stations all closed around me it wasn't good. So I began texting those who had offered accommodations prior to the storm. One did not answer and one did but had now power and one said yes please come up and stay. That one was a friend in Flemington and I felt the best option for Jeremy anyway. The trip up was like an exodus into a horror movie, we had to sneak through barriers to get onto the parkway (that had just re-opned) past boats that had gotten pushed miles from shore, gas stations with huge signs NO GAS and when we got closer to Flemington a few stations with lines miles long.

But it was nice to be safe and warm and have an internet connection. My friends fed us well, had beds for us, and got me connected so that I could work remotely. I stayed with them for a week! Once settled in I finally let Mary's nagging get to me, she kept asking was I going to check on Randy and I said NO, I finally got him gone from my heart and mind and it was working I had been meeting some men. But once safe and warm I did worry so I broke down and texted him. This led to a series of texts as I offed him the gas in my shed, some food in my pantry, and helped him locate open gas stations and stores as the days passed. He told me how the water had come in and filled up his Mom's basement and nearly knocked her house off the foundation. I told him I knew and how I had stopped by to check on her, I didn't tell him that I had left a SpiritStone there recalling how he had asked me to stop leaving them at his house in case the kids found them. We text chatted everyday, one night he even went to my house to check on it and my roomates, that night he called. He had his mother in the car and told her that my son lived there. During those days we talked a lot and I knew he was alone...then one night he told me that she had left, moved out took all her stuff. I froze, knowing better than to belive that lie a second time w/o proof but wondering if maybe this was the straw that changed everything. I sensed he was alone, that she had left at the first storm warning but I didn't believe she left him, and he asked was I home I knew he was just saying this to get me to let him come over for some pokey. Still a teeny tiny shred of me hoped it was true and wondered if finally he'd be there for me....

The next day Jeremy had it, he was going stir crazy, his job had called needing him back and he insisted I take him back to Keyport. So I texted Randy asking him if Jeremy could just stay there at night so he's not cold and he said OK, I verified it saying don't let me bring him and you abandon him as I can't afford the trips, especially with the gas rationing. Again he said OK, he had told me how he runs the furnace and TV off a series of car batteries that he charges with his truck, and he had gas thanks to me so I figured asking one little favor of him was fair. Well not in Randy world, once I got down there he stopped answering me till finally at 10pm I sent a frantic I am so worried one that he still ignored. My last one was U R PURE EVIL, that one he replied to in 30 seconds. Huh? I ignored him and prayed myself to sleep, in the morning finding he had replied 2 hrs later calling ME pure evil. Selfish jackass. Monday I woke up and texted asking why he didn't follow through and he said he was sure he was fine. I threatened to message HER to verify that she had moved out and he really got defensive, I had my confirmation that it was all a lie. I spent half the day sending him nasty texts till it was out of my system and moved on. That night Jeremy called me alone and cold in the dark at 7pm asking me to call him again, he was concerned about the pipes freezing, I explained what happend and told him he would have to call. I also told him that this was just a rental and the landlord knew we had no power and his pipes were his problem but that's how my kid is, he worries like that....

On Tuesday a Flemington friend texted me to alert me to generators being sold in a local store. I couldn't really afford one but a snowstorm was coming so I ran out and got one and gas cans and made arrangements to take off a half day the following day when I could again buy gas as the governor had us on even/odd rationing and I was an odd day. So Wednesday I packed up and was going to go to my buddies house to stay but he failed to give me the address. I drove to Keyport took Jeremy the generator and the gasoline , took him out for a hot meal. He sat there and told me how he had called Randy for help, asking him to just run the furnace real hot to warm the house up and he refused, he said it sounded like he was partying and all he said to him before hanging up was "you will be fine". I guess he just don't like me he said, he's just a jackass I said it has nothing to do with you. I managed to hold off my tears till I got on the road to my friends house as the snow started to fall the tears poured along with them. Why are the men of this world so freaking selfish I wondered.

I had a nice time staying with my other gal pal, she did all she could to make me feel comfortable and welcome. She said how mean and selfish it was of my guy friend to only pretend he wanted to help me and pointed out the favor he had wanted. I felt so foolish, hadn't even seen that one. At any rate I was able to work from her house and run my social sites too and get needed information out to my groups regarding Sandy hurricane help. They thanked me and praised me and said they wanted to nominate me for Queendom or Saint hood or something! I am always embarrassed when I get praise like that but it was during this time I recalled my good friend Beth who used to say to me that I needed a King and tried so hard to get me to listen when she advised me against Randy. I realized that if I was in a relationship or marriage to a selfish man he would be demanding my attention now instead of being where he needed to be, by my side working with me, and I would be beside him working with him to help these people. Yes Randy was destined to be that man, that is why he had so many psychic gifts, but he lost most of them when he choose her over me. I went so far as to write Beth a quick note saying I got it finally! She sent me a winking smiley face.

On Friday after work I was determined to go home and spend the weekend. Jeremy had gotten the furnace and one TV and DVD player to run off the generator and  I wanted to get back home and volunteer. Still on the drive home I prayed for my power to be back on, 12 days was a very long time after all..and my internet too I prayed. As I pulled in my driveway I saw lights! And Jeremy heading out to the shed to off the generator, he grinned saying why is it that I been here a week and when you come home the power comes back on 10 minutes before you get here. Because I prayed AND I trusted I told him, he nodded. The next day I went and volunteered at a local distribution center and then the next days after that cleaning my house and looking for new roommates. I lost two who skipped out and didn't pay me even the back rent. I continued to post relief efforts info and made a decision about Thanksgiving. Since Jeremy worked nights and slept all day and no one had invited us to dinner anyway I decided to cook our turkey Wednesday night since I work from home and go and volunteer thanksgiving day. I am setting up events for that day and for Black Friday and plan to continue in this relief work as long as there is a need.

What about you? Did you loose anything during the storm? Or anything at all for any reason? Please do no fret over it, know this, whatever you think you have lost was never really yours anyway, we do not own our things, we do not own this planet, we do not own the people in our lives. The only thing you really get to keep is what you GIVE.

 This year have a wonderful ThanksGIVING!


With Love and in the Light,   Cassie



PS this is why I always sign my blog with love and in the light
love-and-light-what-does-it-mean

10-14-12 A Brand New Road

10-14-12  A Brand New Road

Well I went round and round with myself for awhile now wondering if I should start writing my blog again and sharing the steps on my path. I didn't know if I had anything worth saying, any insights to share that could really help others. I mean for all my declarations that was the end of the road with Randy in June, and as much as I wish I could tell you that I never spoke to him again if I did that I would be lying. And I never lie, not much anyway, and even if I do it's to protect someone else. Not myself though, me I take my lumps, because I truly do want to learn and grow and you just can't learn and grow when you lie and hide from truth and reality. But anyway I digress....

Today I was hosting a singles event for my group, Single and Looking in NJ, the one that for some reason the last month or so I have been in a frenzy to grow and invite and breathe fresh life into. So anyway I had arranged to have a photo shoot in a local park with a professional photographer for the group and we were going to have a picnic while we waited our turns. As it turns out the first gal to arrive told me she was so glad to get to meet me because she felt like she knew me, that she had read all of my blog and it had helped her so much to not feel so alone in the struggle of single-hood that she's been going through. She said she really looks forward to hear the rest of my story. So I have decided that faults and foibles and all that I was going to begin again to tell my story, because honestly I do learn and grow as I share and if even one person feels a little less alone on their own path because of reading about mine then well I have done a good thing here, and after all that is my greatest accomplishments, and anyone's for that matter, is the good you do along the way for others.

So where to start? Well I guess those of you who have hung in there wonder what the heck happened with the whole Randy thing.....well like I said I wish I could tell you that I didn't talk to him at all but I did. I am proud to report I didn't break down and do "pokey" with him so that's a big step for me.....then again with my hormone changes (I did just turn 52) I wasn't much in need of a man anyway most of the time, just no drive....  There was a time or two while Jeremy was away that I needed help around the house and he stopped by after work, one of those times we went to eat together and I would have given in and gotten intimate that day but I asked if SHE was giving him any and he said yes so I scratched that idea. (later on based on stuff I found out I am pretty sure he was lying but it saved me the heartache that day) Then there was the time that he asked me to go see a movie with him, even said he'd take me to the dine in movie theater, the one that I been saying for two years I wish a man would take me to for a date. Course he didn't offer to pay he offered to go with me and I pay my own way but still, it was half the dream......in the end he ended up getting asked to go with the older kid and his girlfriend and not even telling me! The night we had penciled in to go I made a pot of spaghetti (because I knew he liked it) and texted him an hour after work, figuring by that time he would know if he could get away or not. His reply, oh I saw it last night with the kids. I was livid, we had been texting earlier that day while he was at work at Sears and I was getting a pedicure, he made no mention then.....his defense was that I'd get mad if he told me he went. Ugggg

I went a good long time before I spoke to him again, and it was a good thing. I relaxed, enjoyed my summer, had fun with friends, started building the singles group....life was good, I was happy, I could trust in the universe to bring me the right man at the right time..... Or so I thought...... I don't know if it was the cool night air, or the blankets by the fire, or the coffee and eggs in our PJs with no make up and rustled hair in the mornings but when I went on the camping trip to Cape May mid September, just two days after my 52nd Birthday I remembered with a vengeance what I really wanted. A Man to share my life with, extended family, camping trips together, and someone by my side to do it with. It didn't help either that more than 70 or 80% of the group were couples, either married a long time or recently dating but I looked at them, putting up tents together, cooking, doing dishes all the little things TOGETHER and it stirred an ache deep inside of me. Two aches to be exact, my heart and my well...you know.... I called Mary even and told her how sad and lonely I felt and maybe I should get Randy back, its up to you she said to me. I had a dream that last night there that I was back with him, living in a house together, and it looked so nice at first but then I looked up and the roof was full or holes, and the rain got in , and then I noticed cracks in the walls....are they trying to tell me something I wondered? But driving home all I could think about was getting close to someone, and of course that all was images of the last person...... Randy.... and I felt so much that I wanted his touch again.....

I got home and started the laundry and did some unpacking and turned on the computer. I had gone 4 days without computer! But my mind kept wandering.....it was Sunday, I knew he'd be at work and I knew he'd have some time after work. So I texted him. I said, and mind you this is after like 3 months of ignoring him after telling him off. I texted and I said: I think maybe I need some pokey. He replied in like 5 minutes.....oh you think so? LOL I stared at the screen and pictured him with his cocky been hanging with the guys look that I detested so much and decided to not make that mistake again. I said nothing.....course him not wanting to let that go he texted me after 20 min saying I get off at 5 I can be right over.....my reply was Na I changed my mind, I just got back from camping and was all horny but I decided I am going to take a nap instead BYE. Whew that was close I thought to myself.

Two days later he texted me, after he had gone to work mind you which of course annoyed me, always did. So when do you want me to come over and take care of ya? I changed my mind I replied to him. I was just lonely but I got to thinking about how sad I was after when you went home to HER and I decided i better look for someone new. He didn't like that one bit because he replied with a you know some day I am going to be gone and then you will really have something to be sad about. I was pretty shocked at that reaction but I just said no thanks. Course that wasn't the end of him, he sent me a Hi every few days, but I ignored it. Finally one Thursday he sent one in the daytime, when normally she's be around. It said Would you like me to come over tonight for some pokey? I wasn't feeling so angry and I was kinda glad he messaged me before work so I politely replied No thank you. Somewhere deep inside me I still knew that I kinda sorta had a shred of hope that she would leave and then he'd come around and start treating me right, paying for dates, being mature, being who I needed him to be 5 years ago.. so no I didn't react in anger, but I wasn't running to him either.

So all this contact with him had him in the forefront of my mind again, so I did what any other red blooded American woman who cares for a man who is dating someone else. I spied. And a darn good spy I am at that! I checked the older boys facebook page and I saw that he had graduated from the Navy boot camp training, that the family went to see the graduation (no Randy in any of the photos though) and there I saw it, it was HER. My first real good, not a quick glance and turn away in fear but a real good look. Not to sound vain but compared to her I am a 15, and trust me I am not at all vain. But there she was and her facebook page too. Again no pics of Randy with her either. I sent the pic to Mary to analyze and I said a prayer for this woman and wished her well. And thus I thought what a jerk Randy was to her and it fueled my distaste for his behavior. Finally I wrote to him and sent the picture of her and her boy and said wow you must be so proud. He replied with something snotty, I knew he'd be mad at me for finding her but I wanted him to know. I just replied that I was only trying to be nice.

A few days later on a Sunday evening while I was sitting outside waiting for Jeremy to get off work he texted me and said Hi. I was annoyed and said something mean about how ugly his "wife" is. She's just the roomate, duh he replied back. I was indignant for the both of us, her and me at that comment. I was sly though, I asked about the graduation, he went on about how he felt he had really accomplished something. I asked more stuff till I finally got him to admit to me that he hadn't even gone up there with them. I wondered if he had not been invited or too selfish to go but my last comment was that it was a big mistake for him to have missed such an important milestone. That shut him up for a few days..... I kept myself busy trying to find a new guy to date, I had a few of them and will tell you about those dating follies soon. God its so hard to be dating!  I hate it, its like having to wear high heels everyday when really you just want a cozy old pair of slippers....

I even got a reading one day from Miyuki, my voice had been nagging me for weeks to get one from her but I resisted. I had a few questions but with my will I find love one she had plenty to say about Randy, mostly that he wasn't living up to who he was supposed to be with me, that yes we are soul-mates and most of all she said that I can and should have love by now, that there is someone around me right now, possibly for years but subconsciously I haven't let go of Randy. Boy did that bother me, and I went on a quest to see what I needed to do to let go of that. It was heavy on my mind and wouldn't you know, despite the fact our schedules changed and we never passed each other anymore there he was miraculously passing right in front of me as I got to a red light. OMG so I texted him to say you just passed me........he said Hi, I replied with a wow I keep seeing you the past few weeks. He replied: maybe its divine intervention. I didn't get back to him right away so 10 min later he sent or maybe its because you moved here to spy on me. That started a huge and bitter text fight between us, see I knew he was mad because I had found HER  and called him out on his lie about the graduation. In the end I told him that if he ever contacted me again I was going to go right to her now that I have her page I can forward anything you say to me to her in an instant. He had to get one last snotty thing in saying that fine he'd leave me alone but now I would have no one. I tossed back that I was already dating (which I was but no second dates) to which he said something mean to.

In the end I sent him one last mail the next day, it really did bug me that he said I had moved down here to spy on him. Had I become one of those crazed stalker types? Did he really think that I was? I talked to Mary about it and she said no he doesn't think that, he's just upset that you are finding out all the real truth of what his life REALLY is, and she told me that by seeing her picture she can tell how sad she is, that she loves some one else and has had a hard life. So we both agreed to pray for her and I in the e-mail to Randy I told him I moved here for 3 reasons. 1- because I love it here, 2 because I know God wanted me to move here and 3- because I loved you so much. I hope that he caught the past tense of that word......and finally I was starting to feel the past tense of that love too.......

Finally I was ready to try a new road..............and no more U turns!

What about you? Are you ready for a brand new road too?



With Love and in the Light, Cassie