11-20-12 Storm Casualties

11-20-12  Storm Casualties

Well I was working on this blog for about a week, the topic was the rocky road of dating, when I got side tracked by a hurricane! Yup you heard it a hurricane, Sandy was her name. I had been cracking jokes for days before it hit because my Aunt of the same name had recently died, she was cremated and they were going to hold the memorial service later. Then they decided at the last minute to do it when I had 3 parties planned and little time to arrange to be off work. I could have gone to Ohio for the service and to be with my cousins who were the closest I ever had to brothers if I had tried hard enough but I did not and I joked that she was angry with me. She lived her life like a hurricane that's for sure, would be just like her to stir things up and give us a scare if she could. Ha! I wasn't really concerned though, we had a hurricane the year before and I had gone to stay with a friend and we didn't even loose power at my house so this one wasn't really scaring me despite the predictions. I did take the necessary precautions though, securing outdoor items, stocking up on batteries and candles and water and canned goods.

The days prior to the hurricane I got invited to an event in the lower part of Monmouth county by a group of fellow light-workers to join together at 2pm to send Reiki to the waters. The invite said that if you couldn't go there in person to join in remotely energetically. When light-workers join together they are that much more powerful, something like joining candle flames. Anyway each day before the storm I went to the waters here near my home in Keyport and Cliffwood Beach to pray, send Reiki and "seed" some of my spirit stones. At the bulkhead, near my favorite bar and grill I tossed a stone and it landed in the sand and not the water, several birds ran over thinking it was food and left it, then a larger than usual sea gull swooped down and flew off with it, I sent a mental message to the bird saying well perhaps you know where it's needed more... I wasn't lead to leave as many as the last year but I tossed them out as spirit lead, one through the bridge that leads from town to my area where the boats are docked, one over by the cement walkway, one in front of Randy's mom's house... I went to the water everyday at 2pm for three days before the storm, and on Monday while working from home I watched the changing of the predicted path of the storm, at first it was due to hit to the west of me and part of its path right over my home, but by Monday the path had dipped in far enough west that my town was no longer in the direct path! Most call me nuts but there is a knowing somewhere in my soul that the power I channeled from above did help. I sat home Monday working from home, taking calls from family in Ohio who were worried about me and talking to my social group encouraging them to be safe but not to fear. Then my power went out exactly at 2pm as the storm came our way. The hot water worked, and the stove so Jeremy and I made dinner by candlelight, played a game of Chinese checkers, and watched a DVD on the last of my lap top battery. I slept peacefully that night despite the outrageous storm outside.

Tuesday I woke up and cleaned and did dishes by hand and then decided I needed to go to the car to charge the battery in my phone. I decided to drive around a little as I was doing it. First thing I drove down near the water to see how far it had come in, when I got there I saw it had come much further than before and there was damage to some homes. This was the street Randy's Mom is on and I decided heck with our differences I need to know she was OK. As I walked near the house though to asses things I saw a neighbor and I asked about her. He said she was OK and that her son had been over just a bit ago. I said good and turned and left, there was no need to go see her once I knew this and I recalled how he doesn't want me to talk to her now due to the new "wife". I felt sad though as I thought to myself I bet she'd love my company now at a time like this, she always had liked me so much. But anyway I went and checked a lot of places and looked at damage and took photos then went home and one roommate had come home and told me of the boats in the street. So Jeremy and I went down to see that and took a lot of photos. I was amazed to see that the bridge and the walkway where I had left a stone were OK but the area where the seagull had taken a stone had suffered greatly, we lost a museum and my favorite the Bay Side Bar and Grill! Late in the day we tried to drive around and find a warm open place to have dinner, that was futile and the traffic was awful as the street lights were out and the roads blocked with trees or floods or cop cars and cones. We went home and cooked a simple meal on the stove and "went to bed with the chickens" so to speak like we used to say back on the farm in Ohio.

Wednesday I woke up  and heard the weather report on the radio and knew it was going to turn colder, and also the reports of how long it would take to restore power, days, weeks maybe. I also knew that though my office was closed for tue and wed it would open evenutally and if I was not at a place with power and internet I would have to go up to the office and with the gas stations all closed around me it wasn't good. So I began texting those who had offered accommodations prior to the storm. One did not answer and one did but had now power and one said yes please come up and stay. That one was a friend in Flemington and I felt the best option for Jeremy anyway. The trip up was like an exodus into a horror movie, we had to sneak through barriers to get onto the parkway (that had just re-opned) past boats that had gotten pushed miles from shore, gas stations with huge signs NO GAS and when we got closer to Flemington a few stations with lines miles long.

But it was nice to be safe and warm and have an internet connection. My friends fed us well, had beds for us, and got me connected so that I could work remotely. I stayed with them for a week! Once settled in I finally let Mary's nagging get to me, she kept asking was I going to check on Randy and I said NO, I finally got him gone from my heart and mind and it was working I had been meeting some men. But once safe and warm I did worry so I broke down and texted him. This led to a series of texts as I offed him the gas in my shed, some food in my pantry, and helped him locate open gas stations and stores as the days passed. He told me how the water had come in and filled up his Mom's basement and nearly knocked her house off the foundation. I told him I knew and how I had stopped by to check on her, I didn't tell him that I had left a SpiritStone there recalling how he had asked me to stop leaving them at his house in case the kids found them. We text chatted everyday, one night he even went to my house to check on it and my roomates, that night he called. He had his mother in the car and told her that my son lived there. During those days we talked a lot and I knew he was alone...then one night he told me that she had left, moved out took all her stuff. I froze, knowing better than to belive that lie a second time w/o proof but wondering if maybe this was the straw that changed everything. I sensed he was alone, that she had left at the first storm warning but I didn't believe she left him, and he asked was I home I knew he was just saying this to get me to let him come over for some pokey. Still a teeny tiny shred of me hoped it was true and wondered if finally he'd be there for me....

The next day Jeremy had it, he was going stir crazy, his job had called needing him back and he insisted I take him back to Keyport. So I texted Randy asking him if Jeremy could just stay there at night so he's not cold and he said OK, I verified it saying don't let me bring him and you abandon him as I can't afford the trips, especially with the gas rationing. Again he said OK, he had told me how he runs the furnace and TV off a series of car batteries that he charges with his truck, and he had gas thanks to me so I figured asking one little favor of him was fair. Well not in Randy world, once I got down there he stopped answering me till finally at 10pm I sent a frantic I am so worried one that he still ignored. My last one was U R PURE EVIL, that one he replied to in 30 seconds. Huh? I ignored him and prayed myself to sleep, in the morning finding he had replied 2 hrs later calling ME pure evil. Selfish jackass. Monday I woke up and texted asking why he didn't follow through and he said he was sure he was fine. I threatened to message HER to verify that she had moved out and he really got defensive, I had my confirmation that it was all a lie. I spent half the day sending him nasty texts till it was out of my system and moved on. That night Jeremy called me alone and cold in the dark at 7pm asking me to call him again, he was concerned about the pipes freezing, I explained what happend and told him he would have to call. I also told him that this was just a rental and the landlord knew we had no power and his pipes were his problem but that's how my kid is, he worries like that....

On Tuesday a Flemington friend texted me to alert me to generators being sold in a local store. I couldn't really afford one but a snowstorm was coming so I ran out and got one and gas cans and made arrangements to take off a half day the following day when I could again buy gas as the governor had us on even/odd rationing and I was an odd day. So Wednesday I packed up and was going to go to my buddies house to stay but he failed to give me the address. I drove to Keyport took Jeremy the generator and the gasoline , took him out for a hot meal. He sat there and told me how he had called Randy for help, asking him to just run the furnace real hot to warm the house up and he refused, he said it sounded like he was partying and all he said to him before hanging up was "you will be fine". I guess he just don't like me he said, he's just a jackass I said it has nothing to do with you. I managed to hold off my tears till I got on the road to my friends house as the snow started to fall the tears poured along with them. Why are the men of this world so freaking selfish I wondered.

I had a nice time staying with my other gal pal, she did all she could to make me feel comfortable and welcome. She said how mean and selfish it was of my guy friend to only pretend he wanted to help me and pointed out the favor he had wanted. I felt so foolish, hadn't even seen that one. At any rate I was able to work from her house and run my social sites too and get needed information out to my groups regarding Sandy hurricane help. They thanked me and praised me and said they wanted to nominate me for Queendom or Saint hood or something! I am always embarrassed when I get praise like that but it was during this time I recalled my good friend Beth who used to say to me that I needed a King and tried so hard to get me to listen when she advised me against Randy. I realized that if I was in a relationship or marriage to a selfish man he would be demanding my attention now instead of being where he needed to be, by my side working with me, and I would be beside him working with him to help these people. Yes Randy was destined to be that man, that is why he had so many psychic gifts, but he lost most of them when he choose her over me. I went so far as to write Beth a quick note saying I got it finally! She sent me a winking smiley face.

On Friday after work I was determined to go home and spend the weekend. Jeremy had gotten the furnace and one TV and DVD player to run off the generator and  I wanted to get back home and volunteer. Still on the drive home I prayed for my power to be back on, 12 days was a very long time after all..and my internet too I prayed. As I pulled in my driveway I saw lights! And Jeremy heading out to the shed to off the generator, he grinned saying why is it that I been here a week and when you come home the power comes back on 10 minutes before you get here. Because I prayed AND I trusted I told him, he nodded. The next day I went and volunteered at a local distribution center and then the next days after that cleaning my house and looking for new roommates. I lost two who skipped out and didn't pay me even the back rent. I continued to post relief efforts info and made a decision about Thanksgiving. Since Jeremy worked nights and slept all day and no one had invited us to dinner anyway I decided to cook our turkey Wednesday night since I work from home and go and volunteer thanksgiving day. I am setting up events for that day and for Black Friday and plan to continue in this relief work as long as there is a need.

What about you? Did you loose anything during the storm? Or anything at all for any reason? Please do no fret over it, know this, whatever you think you have lost was never really yours anyway, we do not own our things, we do not own this planet, we do not own the people in our lives. The only thing you really get to keep is what you GIVE.

 This year have a wonderful ThanksGIVING!


With Love and in the Light,   Cassie



PS this is why I always sign my blog with love and in the light
love-and-light-what-does-it-mean

10-14-12 A Brand New Road

10-14-12  A Brand New Road

Well I went round and round with myself for awhile now wondering if I should start writing my blog again and sharing the steps on my path. I didn't know if I had anything worth saying, any insights to share that could really help others. I mean for all my declarations that was the end of the road with Randy in June, and as much as I wish I could tell you that I never spoke to him again if I did that I would be lying. And I never lie, not much anyway, and even if I do it's to protect someone else. Not myself though, me I take my lumps, because I truly do want to learn and grow and you just can't learn and grow when you lie and hide from truth and reality. But anyway I digress....

Today I was hosting a singles event for my group, Single and Looking in NJ, the one that for some reason the last month or so I have been in a frenzy to grow and invite and breathe fresh life into. So anyway I had arranged to have a photo shoot in a local park with a professional photographer for the group and we were going to have a picnic while we waited our turns. As it turns out the first gal to arrive told me she was so glad to get to meet me because she felt like she knew me, that she had read all of my blog and it had helped her so much to not feel so alone in the struggle of single-hood that she's been going through. She said she really looks forward to hear the rest of my story. So I have decided that faults and foibles and all that I was going to begin again to tell my story, because honestly I do learn and grow as I share and if even one person feels a little less alone on their own path because of reading about mine then well I have done a good thing here, and after all that is my greatest accomplishments, and anyone's for that matter, is the good you do along the way for others.

So where to start? Well I guess those of you who have hung in there wonder what the heck happened with the whole Randy thing.....well like I said I wish I could tell you that I didn't talk to him at all but I did. I am proud to report I didn't break down and do "pokey" with him so that's a big step for me.....then again with my hormone changes (I did just turn 52) I wasn't much in need of a man anyway most of the time, just no drive....  There was a time or two while Jeremy was away that I needed help around the house and he stopped by after work, one of those times we went to eat together and I would have given in and gotten intimate that day but I asked if SHE was giving him any and he said yes so I scratched that idea. (later on based on stuff I found out I am pretty sure he was lying but it saved me the heartache that day) Then there was the time that he asked me to go see a movie with him, even said he'd take me to the dine in movie theater, the one that I been saying for two years I wish a man would take me to for a date. Course he didn't offer to pay he offered to go with me and I pay my own way but still, it was half the dream......in the end he ended up getting asked to go with the older kid and his girlfriend and not even telling me! The night we had penciled in to go I made a pot of spaghetti (because I knew he liked it) and texted him an hour after work, figuring by that time he would know if he could get away or not. His reply, oh I saw it last night with the kids. I was livid, we had been texting earlier that day while he was at work at Sears and I was getting a pedicure, he made no mention then.....his defense was that I'd get mad if he told me he went. Ugggg

I went a good long time before I spoke to him again, and it was a good thing. I relaxed, enjoyed my summer, had fun with friends, started building the singles group....life was good, I was happy, I could trust in the universe to bring me the right man at the right time..... Or so I thought...... I don't know if it was the cool night air, or the blankets by the fire, or the coffee and eggs in our PJs with no make up and rustled hair in the mornings but when I went on the camping trip to Cape May mid September, just two days after my 52nd Birthday I remembered with a vengeance what I really wanted. A Man to share my life with, extended family, camping trips together, and someone by my side to do it with. It didn't help either that more than 70 or 80% of the group were couples, either married a long time or recently dating but I looked at them, putting up tents together, cooking, doing dishes all the little things TOGETHER and it stirred an ache deep inside of me. Two aches to be exact, my heart and my well...you know.... I called Mary even and told her how sad and lonely I felt and maybe I should get Randy back, its up to you she said to me. I had a dream that last night there that I was back with him, living in a house together, and it looked so nice at first but then I looked up and the roof was full or holes, and the rain got in , and then I noticed cracks in the walls....are they trying to tell me something I wondered? But driving home all I could think about was getting close to someone, and of course that all was images of the last person...... Randy.... and I felt so much that I wanted his touch again.....

I got home and started the laundry and did some unpacking and turned on the computer. I had gone 4 days without computer! But my mind kept wandering.....it was Sunday, I knew he'd be at work and I knew he'd have some time after work. So I texted him. I said, and mind you this is after like 3 months of ignoring him after telling him off. I texted and I said: I think maybe I need some pokey. He replied in like 5 minutes.....oh you think so? LOL I stared at the screen and pictured him with his cocky been hanging with the guys look that I detested so much and decided to not make that mistake again. I said nothing.....course him not wanting to let that go he texted me after 20 min saying I get off at 5 I can be right over.....my reply was Na I changed my mind, I just got back from camping and was all horny but I decided I am going to take a nap instead BYE. Whew that was close I thought to myself.

Two days later he texted me, after he had gone to work mind you which of course annoyed me, always did. So when do you want me to come over and take care of ya? I changed my mind I replied to him. I was just lonely but I got to thinking about how sad I was after when you went home to HER and I decided i better look for someone new. He didn't like that one bit because he replied with a you know some day I am going to be gone and then you will really have something to be sad about. I was pretty shocked at that reaction but I just said no thanks. Course that wasn't the end of him, he sent me a Hi every few days, but I ignored it. Finally one Thursday he sent one in the daytime, when normally she's be around. It said Would you like me to come over tonight for some pokey? I wasn't feeling so angry and I was kinda glad he messaged me before work so I politely replied No thank you. Somewhere deep inside me I still knew that I kinda sorta had a shred of hope that she would leave and then he'd come around and start treating me right, paying for dates, being mature, being who I needed him to be 5 years ago.. so no I didn't react in anger, but I wasn't running to him either.

So all this contact with him had him in the forefront of my mind again, so I did what any other red blooded American woman who cares for a man who is dating someone else. I spied. And a darn good spy I am at that! I checked the older boys facebook page and I saw that he had graduated from the Navy boot camp training, that the family went to see the graduation (no Randy in any of the photos though) and there I saw it, it was HER. My first real good, not a quick glance and turn away in fear but a real good look. Not to sound vain but compared to her I am a 15, and trust me I am not at all vain. But there she was and her facebook page too. Again no pics of Randy with her either. I sent the pic to Mary to analyze and I said a prayer for this woman and wished her well. And thus I thought what a jerk Randy was to her and it fueled my distaste for his behavior. Finally I wrote to him and sent the picture of her and her boy and said wow you must be so proud. He replied with something snotty, I knew he'd be mad at me for finding her but I wanted him to know. I just replied that I was only trying to be nice.

A few days later on a Sunday evening while I was sitting outside waiting for Jeremy to get off work he texted me and said Hi. I was annoyed and said something mean about how ugly his "wife" is. She's just the roomate, duh he replied back. I was indignant for the both of us, her and me at that comment. I was sly though, I asked about the graduation, he went on about how he felt he had really accomplished something. I asked more stuff till I finally got him to admit to me that he hadn't even gone up there with them. I wondered if he had not been invited or too selfish to go but my last comment was that it was a big mistake for him to have missed such an important milestone. That shut him up for a few days..... I kept myself busy trying to find a new guy to date, I had a few of them and will tell you about those dating follies soon. God its so hard to be dating!  I hate it, its like having to wear high heels everyday when really you just want a cozy old pair of slippers....

I even got a reading one day from Miyuki, my voice had been nagging me for weeks to get one from her but I resisted. I had a few questions but with my will I find love one she had plenty to say about Randy, mostly that he wasn't living up to who he was supposed to be with me, that yes we are soul-mates and most of all she said that I can and should have love by now, that there is someone around me right now, possibly for years but subconsciously I haven't let go of Randy. Boy did that bother me, and I went on a quest to see what I needed to do to let go of that. It was heavy on my mind and wouldn't you know, despite the fact our schedules changed and we never passed each other anymore there he was miraculously passing right in front of me as I got to a red light. OMG so I texted him to say you just passed me........he said Hi, I replied with a wow I keep seeing you the past few weeks. He replied: maybe its divine intervention. I didn't get back to him right away so 10 min later he sent or maybe its because you moved here to spy on me. That started a huge and bitter text fight between us, see I knew he was mad because I had found HER  and called him out on his lie about the graduation. In the end I told him that if he ever contacted me again I was going to go right to her now that I have her page I can forward anything you say to me to her in an instant. He had to get one last snotty thing in saying that fine he'd leave me alone but now I would have no one. I tossed back that I was already dating (which I was but no second dates) to which he said something mean to.

In the end I sent him one last mail the next day, it really did bug me that he said I had moved down here to spy on him. Had I become one of those crazed stalker types? Did he really think that I was? I talked to Mary about it and she said no he doesn't think that, he's just upset that you are finding out all the real truth of what his life REALLY is, and she told me that by seeing her picture she can tell how sad she is, that she loves some one else and has had a hard life. So we both agreed to pray for her and I in the e-mail to Randy I told him I moved here for 3 reasons. 1- because I love it here, 2 because I know God wanted me to move here and 3- because I loved you so much. I hope that he caught the past tense of that word......and finally I was starting to feel the past tense of that love too.......

Finally I was ready to try a new road..............and no more U turns!

What about you? Are you ready for a brand new road too?



With Love and in the Light, Cassie