1/26/13 Praising the Hallway
Well I haven't been keeping my promise of writing in here like I wanted to but I have been so busy living that I just don't have the time to write about it! And personally I consider that a good thing, at least for me now in this time and this place. I knew that 2013 was going to be a big year and so far its proven to be so. My meetups are growing, my healing ministry moving along at leaps and bounds, I am feeling happy and inspired and nothing gets me down much anymore because I have learned to TRUST my god and the universe to take care of me to bring me the things that I need when I need. It's great!
Over the holidays I grew my Singles Group very large because that is what my gut told me to do and now I do not have to work on inviting people they just come. I also got control of another group when the organizer quit that I helped out in a lot in the past and re-named it NJ Friendship Factory. I am so excited for this one too because I also wanted something for those who are not looking, and I know that someday soon I won't be looking myself I feel it more and more that it is coming....
On that topic I must tell you that I am still a little afraid I know this because when my friend offered to write me a "spell" to bring me a man and come over and help me set it up I just kept feeling like "this is it", this is going work and well it's scary. I been single now for 15 years, close to twice as long as I was married! A few boyfriends here and there but no new husband. But you know one morning I woke up and the way the pillows and comforter on the other side of the bed looked it looked like someone was there sleeping, and it seemed like someone was asking me how I felt about that. This happened 3 times as I drifted in and out of sleep and you know I said yes yes I like this! So she came over on a Tuesday and we laid the ground work for the spell that I was to complete on Saturday night with the full moon. I was also knew I had done the right thing when I had given up seeing Randy for fun and gave myself a time of total alone-ness. The first sign was an article I came across that confirmed it, I posted it on CC called My Tender Holy Celibacy and I realized that at last I had learned that lesson, to honor myself and to love myself and to wait for the right one. The other reason is that Elane, his current girlfriend showed up at one of my events!
Yep you heard it, my dreaded confrontation with the pretend wife came, not when I was with him but after I had washed my hands of him. I had posted a board games event here in town and as I do from time to time I put it also on Craigslist. As a last minute impulse my voice told me to also post my YouTube videos of board games we had in the past to entice the folks to come. These are wonderful bonding and mingling events if I can just get them to leave the happy hours and come try this...... But I digress... So here I am sitting there having a blast and in walks Elane, I recognized her right away as I had seen a pic of her with her son on facebook.I didn't know what else to do other than to greet her and treat her like anyone else so that's just what I did. I asked her name and when she told me I knew for sure, so she asked my name and then let me know she knew who I was and quickly added that she didn't come to make trouble. Well everyone was nice to her but she didn't stay too long and I got up to walk her out and she just started talking to me, we talked for 2 hrs I think. I gave her some advice on how to deal with Randy. She suspected he could possibly be cheating on her with a new woman, so one of my guy friends also talked to her and explained men to her and we gave her a big pep talk and sent her on her way! I told her she has to have sex with him if she wants himt to stay faithful so she said she would once a month. For good measure I also gave her a spirit stone and blessed it with good Reiki energy for a good relationship.
The following day I sent him an e-mail basically telling him that she came, that she had asked about us and our Vermont trips and I told her the truth and that he knows I do not lie. I told him that she told me he asked her to marry him and that its time he did so and I gave him encouragement. She wrote me on Facebook and told me she went home and gave into him and did pokey with him and then after told him about meeting me. The next day she announced their engagement! There's a part of me that thinks there's a lot of lies and deception going on here, there's a part of me that wants to believe its real too because I want him to be settled and happy just like I have countless other ex boyfriends. I confess there is also a sadness because I did have a tiny shred of hope still there that he'd finally do better and be better and come back to me and marry me. But I know that isn't going to happen and I know that I am better off without him too. I had a night of mourning and I even cried for what I lost but at the end of that crying I also recalled the times I had my chance with him and said no, the nights he offered to stay over even though she'd find out, the time he had the phone in his hand and said he'd tell her we were getting married..no he hadn't said no to me I had said no to him over and over because I couldn't settle for what he was offering to me, I wanted more. And I will get it too!
Today is Saturday, the day of the very powerful full moon. My friend and I had plans that she cancelled at the last minute and I am secretly glad because now I can go with the other friend to a full moon ceremony. And when I come home I can light my candles and say my prayers and do my spell work to bring me my new man the one who truly will be my best friend and lover and share my life joyfully. And I can be happy in the meantime and like the photo my cousins wife shared on facebook I can be happy while I wait and praise the hallway because that is the place not of dead ends, not of settling for what I can get, not for compromising beyond self recognition but of endless possibilities! And finally I have no fear of love becuase that truly is the thing that held me back and held my heart tied to Randy, fear of the unknown and love of the comfortable and known. I also no longer need to fear being alone either, its not a bad place to be after all, its much better than being with a person who makes you feel alone.
So go on and make your own dreams and plans today on this full moon energy that is so powerful and awesome. Tell the universe what you really want and desire and have the faith to believe it's coming and the freedom from fear when it shows up at your door and a whole new exeperice opens to you. And in the meantime..........praise the hallway!!!
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
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